Spoilers Alert!
Hey Kids (Editors’s Note: Zombies. It’s zombies!)! I am back this week with another list. I know it is Thanksgiving week but I do not have any turkeys for you. There are just not that many killer turkey movies (Editor’s Note: This is a glaring mistake in the horror community).
This week, I give you a second list list of ten favorite sexually related murders from horror films in no particular order. This is a sequel to a previous blog list i wrote about two years ago. It consists of a varied assortment of penis attacks, butthole bashings, and sex toy sieges. Happy Reading!
1. Zombeavers (2014) – Mary and a few of her girlfriends decide to spend a leisurely weekend at a lake cabin in the woods sans men. The men show up anyway and shortly thereafter the group realizes there are some invited guests hanging around the lake. Zombie beavers have overtaken this town and if you are bitten it isn’t pretty. You will turn into a zombie that is a cross between a human and a beaver. There is a nasty little scene where a zombeavered Jenn bites off her boyfriend’s penis when she finds him cheating with her best friend. Don’t cheat guys you might lose your member!
2. I Spit On Your Grave (2015) – Jennifer is a back! She has recovered (kind of?) from her attack in the 2010 remake. She is attending a rape group where she meets another damaged lady, Marla. When Marla is murdered by her abusive ex, Jennifer goes on a rampage. She hunts down the ex and seduces him. While Jennifer is giving him head she bites down HARD biting off his penis. She then proceeds to stab him in what remains of his dick leaving him to bleed out. That is one furious lady. This scene was extremely brutal and tough to watch. Unlike Zombeavers there was nothing funny about this scene.
3. Charlie’s Farm (2014) – This film is an Australian slasher film starring Tara Reid. Four friends set out to check out a place called Charlie’s Farm. The farm was owned many years prior by a family of serial killers who reminded me a bit of Leatherface’s family. The townsfolk eventually take their own revenge, killing the husband and wife when the cops won’t act. Their mentally disabled child, Charlie, escapes capture. However, he has been hiding on the farm and living there since and has grown into the most ginormous man I’ve ever laid my eyes on. Tara and her friends decide to explore the farm and are dead meat. In the craziest kill in the movie, one of the men is swimming in the river nude. He spots Charlie lurking and gets out to confront him. Charlie takes one look at this guy lops off his dick and shoves it down his throat. A bit of trivia — Charlie is played by Nathan Jones. Nathan was known as Megaman back in the 90s. At 6’11” 360 lbs he placed high in the World Musclepower Championships. So if you decide to watch this movie, just know it is no special effect Charlie is really that big. (Editor’s Note: Nathan Jones also spent about a year in professional wrestling. He wrestled in WWE. he even became tag team partners with The Undertaker at Wrestlemania 19).
4. Girlhouse (2014) – A college girl, Kylie, gets a job working in a house full of x-rated webcam models to pay her tuition. When one of the girls insults Loverboy (a regular client of Kylie’s) all hell breaks loose. Loverboy finds the house and goes on a killing spree. Dead hot girls and boobs abound in this slasher which had some pretty great deaths. My personal favorite was the girl who had her dildo jammed down her throat and her mouth taped shut. Obviously she suffocated. Girlhouse is a fun little Canadian slasher. You can stream it on Amazon.
5. Last House On the Left (1972) – If you are a horror fan, I imagine you have seen this film so you will be familiar with this entry. Mari and Phyllis are kidnapped on the way to a concert by Weasel and his gang of psychopaths and murderers. They are subsequently tortured, raped, and murdered by Weasel and his friends. These idiots then go to Mari’s home and gain access by tricking her parents into believing they are traveling salesman. However, Mari’s mom Estelle soon discovers these are her daughter’s killers. In a scene that is both sick and satisfying, Estelle convinces Weasel to let her blow him with his hands tied. She bites it off just as he is about to climax and leaves him to bleed to death. The gore wasn’t over the top but the impact comes from the motivation.
6. Cabin In the Woods (2012) – Jules and Kurt are having some sex on the forest floor. Unbeknownst to them they are being stalked by a zombie family of killers. In the middle of the action Jules gets a knife to her hand and Kurt a stab to his back. Although we later learn Kurt survives the attack, poor Jules suffers a horrible death. She first gets a bear trap to the back, is dragged away by the trap, and then decapitated by a rusty saw while her boobs hang out. No death with dignity for her!
7. Gone Girl (2014) – OK OK I know what you are thinking! Gone Girl isn’t a horror film. You would be right. However, there is one scene that is one of the most horrifying and disturbing deaths during sex I’ve seen in a very long time. Amy Dunne finally gives old college boyfriend Desi what he has always wanted. She has sex with him. Desi is on top of Amy, who with her blonde hair and sexy lingerie is angelic. At the moment Desi climaxes Amy pulls out a very sharp knife and slits his throat and then lays there while he seemingly continues to fuck her and bleeds out. That, my friends, is horror.
8. Friday the 13th Part IV (1984) – This death is hardly the best sex or sex organ related death in the franchise. It is, however, worth a mention. After catching her boyfriend, Paul, flirting and dancing with another girl, Sam runs out of the house and down to the lake. Paul at least has the good sense to go after her. Once at the lake, he discovers a dead Sam already murdered by Jason. Paul has no time to react because before we know it he has a spear to the dick and is then tossed into the lake to bleed to death or drown whichever comes first.
9. 2001 Maniacs (2005) – This film is a remake of the 1964 Two Thousand Maniacs.
Six college kids on their way to Florida wind up instead in a town called Pleasant Valley. Pleasant Valley is a cemetery or memorial for 2001 Confederate soldiers murdered there 140 years prior. Robert Englund is the star of this movie and I have to say the deaths are extremely gruesome. My pick from this movie is Nelson’s death. He is seduced by a beautiful milkmaid whose name we never get. Milkmaid climbs on top of Nelson wearing a hot, white lingerie set. While riding him she persuades him to suck on a tube. Bad news for Nelson the tube sends acid down his throat and eventually he burns to death from the inside out. Boy! beautiful women can be hazardous to a man’s health.
10. I Spit On Your Grave (2015) – My last pick was from a previous film. So far, we were missing a death involving a butthole so this is it. Once again, Jennifer is on a rampage when she learns that a little girl in her rape support group is being currently molested by her step father while her mother turns a blind eye. Jennifer cannot allow this to continue. She kidnaps said molester ties him to a chair and tortures him. Her grand finale is a metal pipe jammed so far up this guy’s ass it should have come out his mouth. Another extremely disturbing death. I did like this film but if I had a bone to pick it would the faulty message it sends that all men are rapists.
Feel free to add your favorite sexy or just sexual deaths in the comments and Happy Thanksgiving!
