The Resurrection of Zombie 7 Podcast

The Friday Four – Four King Books That Should Be Made Into Films

Posted on May 19, 2017 at 6:28 pm by reszombie7@gmail.com

To say that Stephen King is the “King of Horror” is both the easy way out and the understatement of the century. Though King has proved his worth in drama (Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption), coming of age (The Body), mystery (Joyland) and even detective fiction (The Mr. Mercedes trilogy), he will always be known as the horror guy. Is that such a bad thing?

For maniacs like myself (and I’m guessing you, dear reader) King wrote the background of my life, spoiling me to the point where it became difficult to read other authors for awhile. For my money, King is the greatest American writer (sorry Poe, Hawthorne and Twain).

King also represents money to Hollywood. These days, studios are in bidding wars for his work before it’s even published. His work has been represented in everything from movies to TV movies to TV series to movie anthologies to TV series that are anthologies of his short work! King has done it all.

With The Dark Tower and IT hitting theaters this summer combined with Gerald’s Game coming to a streaming service near you, there aren’t a whole lot of King works left in the bag that haven’t seen the big screen. Admitted, King works have a (unfair) reputation of not turning out so well on the big screen, but that hasn’t stopped Hollywood from adapting everything from his opus to his grocery list.

For you, I combed through the King bibliography to find you four novels that as of this writing have yet to be turned into movies, TV shows or services streamed directly into your head. I know there have been discussions on a couple of these selections, but if they are not either here or coming soon, I counted them eligible for the list. What’s not eligible for the list? Short Stories, novellas and the like. I only counted novels (trust me, you can count the number of non-adapted King novels with your fingers only). It should also be mentioned that I haven’t caught up to King yet with my reading — many of his late works I have not read, so they don’t appear on the list.

Without further adieu, I give to you…

FOUR STEPHEN KING NOVELS THAT SHOULD BE ADAPTED AS MOVIES

1. The Talisman (1984)

In all fairness, King wrote this with his good buddy Peter Straub. Maybe Straub is holding him back?

The book is very Dark Tower-ish even before it’s sequel, Black House, firmly puts it The Dark Tower storyline. Jack Sawyer crosses the country in search of a talisman that can save his mom. While on his journey he jumps between reality and another world very similar but not quite his reality. Not exactly a gunslinger looking for a tower, but you can see the similarities.

Why this has never been made into a feature film is beyond me. I know there has been lots of interest. Universal and Stephen Spielberg were attached the moment the book came out. At one point, the story was written into a miniseries by Mick Garris, but nothing has ever come of these attempts to bring the book to the screen, be it little or big. You would think a collaborative story from two of the best horror writers of their time would be of more importance than to get stuck in Production Hell, but Hollywood never ceases to amaze.

Perhaps it’s the book’s ties to The Dark Tower that scares Hollywood. Focusing on just the first book, one could easily ignore those tie-ins. Then again, they manage to royally fuck The Dark Tower up, so maybe it’s better is this book just remains on this list.

2. Eyes of the Dragon (1987)

Again, we get a book that ties into The Dark Tower. I’m beginning to see a pattern.

Written for his daughter Naomi, who didn’t like his horror writing, this is a tale of pure fantasy. In this story Flagg (recognize that name?) is a court magician for King Roland who tries to overtake the kingdom by controlling Roland’s youngest son after having caused the deaths of Roland and his wife and imprisoning the oldest son. It’s an old time fairy tale of a story, but one that fits right in with the tales woven into The Dark Tower saga. So much, in fact, that they not only share an antagonist, but characters from Eyes of the Dragon are mentioned in passing in The Dark Tower II: The Drawing of the Three.

Like The Talisman before it, Eyes of the Dragon hasn’t entirely escaped the attention of Hollywood. In the early 2000s, The Eyes of the Dragon was set to become an animated film. That never happened. Then the SYFY Channel went so far as to announce that they were developing the book for a film back in 2012. That never happened.

Call it The Dark Tower curse, if you will — but like The Talisman, this could easily be adapted without mention of The Dark Tower. Aren’t we overdue for an epic PG fantasy movie along the lines of Labyrinth, The Dark Crystal or Legend? Disney, where you at on this one?

3. Insomnia (1994)

We can officially start a conspiracy theory now. Not only does Insomnia tie into The Dark Tower, but the book is actually given to Roland in the seventh book (eighth if you’re counting Wind Through the Keyhole).

Insomnia takes place in Derry (and yes, there are hints of weird things going on in the sewer — Mike Hanlon even makes a cameo) and is the story of Ralph Roberts, an old man who can’t sleep. This gives him the power to see versions of the Fates and delve deep into a political assassination attempt that would have also killed a young boy who is of utmost importance to Roland in his quest for the Dark Tower. Now, when this young boy shows up in book seven, does it feel forced and like King had to find a way to use him because of the events of Insomnia? Sure, but that shouldn’t hurt an Insomnia movie.

Like the others, this one has been in Developmental Hell for a long time, probably never to see the light of day. It’s least likely of the ones mentioned on this list if only because no one cares about old peoples’ sleeping patterns. It can be self contained, though some of the references to The Dark Tower would probably need to be wiped out and we’d have to find another reason this boy was so important to the world. That is assuming they don’t start a Stephen King cinematic universe (an idea I had long before this comic book thing hit big).

4. The Regulators (1996)

First off, I realize this was a Richard Bachman title, but come on, it’s still Stephen King. We all watched The Running Man and Thinner like they were King books. I will admit Bachman is a bit more brutal and not so fond of the happy ending as King is.

This is the sister book to Desperation which received a made for TV movie treatment in 2006 on ABC that wasn’t terrible. So why not Regulators? Regulators is a little more brutal than Desperation, but would look find on the screen. The entirety of the story takes place in Suburban Ohio where figments of an autistic boy’s imagination hold an entire neighborhood hostage. Most of them won’t get out alive. Like any King story, there are some things that would need to be edited, but overall, it would make a fine addition to the King movie library. For all the wolves attacking King’s works, this one has remained untouched. It’s not even in Developmental Hell.

If you want to add to the conspiracy, there are a few hints here and there that both Desperation and The Regulators tie in to The Dark Tower some how. They aren’t as blatant as the other three on this list, but you could make a case for them if you really wanted to. This story should probably be purchased for movie rights (if it hasn’t been done already) before they take another King short story and stretch it so much that it hardly resembles the story it started out as.

Posted in Blog Posts, The Friday Four | Tagged Eyes of the Dragon, Friday Four, horror movies, Insomnia, King movies, Peter Sraub, Regulators, Stephen King, The Dark Tower, The Talisman | 2 Comments

Episode 245: Killjoy

Posted on May 17, 2017 at 4:40 pm by reszombie7@gmail.com

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Ever wonder what would happen if you called a demon clown to take care of all your problems? It probably would not end well. Killjoy is a testament to that. Bad hair and all, Ron and Little Miss Horror Nerd are here to guide you through the clown dimension so get your best Terminator pose ready and let’s cap some thugs! Discussed in this episode is Jessica’s inability to understand that a phrase isn’t always literal, when it is okay to hit on someone else’s girlfriend, the secret life of Angel Vargas, why you should never buy drugs from a clown in an ice cream truck and the simplicity of calling Killjoy to do your bidding.

HORROR NEWS: Tremors 6, Slasher, Sleepy Hollow

Posted in Killjoy, Podcast Episodes | Tagged Angel Vargas, clown horror, demon horror, evil clown, Full Moon Entertainment, Killjoy, revenge horror, slasher, Sleepy Hollow, Tremors | 3 Comments

The Friday Four – Top Four Fourth Films in a Franchise

Posted on May 12, 2017 at 7:06 pm by reszombie7@gmail.com

You had to know this was going to happen right?

By this podcast’s definition of a franchise, you have to have four movies (not including remakes). Otherwise, it’s just a trilogy or a brand. Unfortunately, by the time most franchises get to a fourth film, it’s a mangled mess of what it started as. Below are my personal favorite fourth movies in a franchise, ranked for your pleasure.

It was harder than I thought it was going to be to find four decent fourth films. Being the franchise guy, you would think I could just knock off four within seconds, but let’s be honest — there aren’t that many good fourth movies. Now, in some franchises defense (I’m looking at you Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Hellraiser), I’ve not seen the fourth film. I stopped watching franchise movies once I started the podcast, preferring to see them for the first time just before I podcast about them. Yeah, I have a lot of shitty fourth and fifth movies in franchises DVDs sitting around my house still unopened. “Do you take Ron and his DVD collection…” should have been part of the vows at my wedding.

Perhaps I’ll revisit this sometime when I have seen more of those fourth films (and why didn’t you ever make one, Evil Dead?!). I’d really love to knock #4 off the list. Again, like last week, MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!!! That being said…

TOP FOUR FOURTH FILMS IN FRANCHISES

4. Scream 4

I know what you’re thinking — well, Ron’s a big Scream fan, of course this was going to make this list. You’re not wrong, but you’re also not right. I don’t want this to be on the list because it has so many issues. When you’re Ron’s favorite franchise, you also get picked on a lot more because you are scrutinized more. You’re like the smart kid in class who gets held to a higher standard. Fucking standards, am I right?

Scream 4 is the beginning of my hatred for Emma Roberts. The fact that neither she nor Rory Culkin are big enough to hold the Guitar Hero guitar for more than three minutes at a time, let alone pull off some of the death scenes in the film, really hurt the film’s believability. Roberts poor ability to act (you know, her profession) ruined the climax as well. Tack on the fact that three people who always survive Scream movies again survived this one while all of our new people died and there’s a lot of negative things to point to in this movie.

There is a lot to like here as well. The remake idea coming at the height of the remake era works (though I wish they had done more with that in recreating some scenes from the first film). For as much as I didn’t like Roberts, Hayden Panettiere surprised the hell out of me. She owned every scene she was in and more than earned her horror stripes in this movie. Something every Scream movie does well is incorporate technology as both a weapon and a device to thwart the bad guys. Scream 4 is no exception using live internet streaming, smaller cameras and shocking — one horror movie that doesn’t shy away from cell phones!

Toss in a small role for Alison Brie (yes, please!), give me plenty of death scenes and though my expectations where higher, I overall like the film. Yeah, I’m biased. I will say like you’re drunk Saturday night booty call, I’m just waiting for something better to come along and knock this off the list.

BEST DEATH SCENE: Olivia

It was one of the first in the film and kind of surprising as Olivia had been set up as part of the inner clique. It was kind of a cool visual to watch the death from the house next door.

3. Tremors 4: The Legend Begins

Oh, Ron — you’ve gone crazy with these franchises you love! I love them for a reason, people.

The thing I love most about the Tremors franchise is that it ups the ante every single movie. In the first movie, they dealt with Graboids. By the second movie, they know how to kill them. It’s a natural progression. The creators of Tremors then throw in a curve ball (The Shriekers) to put our heroes in danger. The third film added Ass Blasters. Hell, even the fifth film went to Africa to conquer Graboids that had evolved differently.

The fourth film is a little different. It’s a prequel. It’s not a prequel of the same characters from the first film, but instead it’s a prequel to the town of Perfection that takes place 100 years earlier. We get a lot of in jokes for loyal viewers of the franchise. Gun loving Burt Gummer’s ancestor, Hiram Gummer, is a bit of a pansy and hates guns — until the end of the film. We get the beginnings of Chang’s store. There’s a lot to like for long time fans.

Here’s where the movie excels: It not only keeps the humorous nature of the franchise intact, but it keeps the franchise’s ability to put it’s heroes in danger by tweaking the formula. This time, Graboids are born into the area because of a hot spring in the mines. Yes, it’s a repeat of the dangers from the first film, but these people are in the mid-19th century, they don’t have the tools to fight the Graboids that the later inhabitants of Perfection will have. That’s the twist and I love it!

Toss in a small but show stealing role for Billy Drago (are you sensing a pattern here?) and you got yourself one hell of a fourth movie.

BEST DEATH SCENE: Black Hand Kelly

Black Hand Kelly was the gunslinger hired by the town to take care of the Graboids — until he is eaten by one. I have spoken to Billy Drago (the actor who played Black Hand Kelly) about this death scene — he loved it! He said it was fun to film. It looks fun! Shame on the internet for not having this death scene posted somewhere in video form.

2. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

If you want to continue saying that I’m biased because of the amazing interview we did with Lisa Wilcox (Alice Johnson) last year, then that’s your right. But you’re wrong. Of all the Nightmare on Elm Street movies, the fourth edition surprised me most when we went through that franchise.

Everyone knows the Nightmare series like the back of their hands, right? The first and third are great movies. The second movie is so weird that you have to watch it just to say, “What the fuck just happened?!” The rest are forgettable. I found out that that is not quite true as The Dream Master has aged incredibly well. It has everything you want in it from a Nightmare movie. It takes care of the surviving Dream Warriors quickly before moving on to a new set of kids who aren’t even Elm Street children (thanks a lot, Kirsten!). The death scenes are big, outlandish and gory. Freddy is in his prime. Linnea Quigley is in the movie for five seconds and still manages to get her tits on screen!

The story involving Alice obtaining the power of her friends as they die off is a continuation of the Dream Warriors storyline. Unlike the first film, people are finding out they have powers in their dreams and this is the only way to fight Freddy. Admitted, the ending is very, very weak but that seems to be par for the course in these later Nightmare movies. Also, Freddy comes back because a dog pissed fire on him. Hmmm….

I didn’t say these movies were perfect.

BEST DEATH SCENE: Joey

No longer a mute, but at his most Neve Campbellish, Joey is drowned in his own waterbed after being lured there by tits which goes to show that tits will lead you down the wrong path!

https://youtu.be/E77cKQk1x2c

1. Friday the 13th Part Four: The Final Chapter

It wasn’t really the final chapter was it?

Friday the 13th scholars (those exist, right?) agree that Friday the 13th Part 2 – Friday the 13th Part 4 are the meat of the franchise and the best movies in the franchise. It’s the basic Jason Voorhees formula and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I think of those three films, Part Four is the strongest. If you were going to show a friend who had never seen a Friday film before, this is probably the one you would show them. There’s a little bit of comedy, a couple of nude scenes, Jason kills a lot, it introduces Tommy Jarvis to the franchise and Jason is murdered in a horrific manner — you could say in a manner that almost anyone could not come back from.

Friday 4 was supposed to be Jason’s last hurrah as the mask was to be passed to Tommy for a few movies before being passed to someone else. While you may not be able to imagine anyone else under the mask — this about this for a moment; would have really been that bad? Big dude under mask killing people just with a different name. The best part would have been new storylines so we don’t have Jason in New York, Hell or Space.

But I digress.

The only negative in this entry of the franchise would be the death of Rob, who was looking for revenge for his sister who had died in a previous installment of the franchise. The director went for an artistic, allegedly more heartbreaking death scene but it came off very weak as anyone who has seen the film can attest to.

That one little hiccup is not enough to knock Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter off it’s perch as the best fourth movie in a franchise…so far.

BEST DEATH SCENE: Samantha

There are a lot of great death scenes in this film, but I’m going with Samantha. Not only do we get to see a nude Judie Aronson, but a knife in the gut through an inflated raft is pretty badass in itself. Special shout out to the banana eating hitchhiker, however!

Posted in Blog Posts, The Friday Four | Tagged A NIghtmare on Elm Street 4, Alice Johnson, burt gummer, Emma Roberts, Freddy Krueger, Friday Four, Friday the 13th 4, Ghostface, Graboid, Jason Voorhees, Scream 4, The Dream Master, The Final Chapter, The Legend Begins, Tommy Jarvis, Tremors 4 | 2 Comments

Episode 244: ONE NIGHT STAND – Fade to Black

Posted on May 11, 2017 at 10:40 pm by reszombie7@gmail.com

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If you’re reading this, then you can sympathize with Eric Binford. A movie obsessed loner who is just trying to find his way in this crazy world. What you perhaps cannot sympathize with is the murder spree Eric goes on because of being stood up on a date. Perhaps. Join Ron, Little Miss Horror Nerd and making his podcast debut, The Clairvoyant as they work their way through 1980’s Fade to Black. Topics discussed include what strange things creep into Jessica’s mind when she thinks of a massage, Mickey Rourke pre-boxing face, making a living as a Marilyn Monroe look alike, Dennis Christopher’s career arc, messing up your Draculas and what did your room look like when you were a teenager.

HORROR NEWS: M. Night Shamalayan shared universe, death of Jonathan Demme, Pet Semetary documentary

Posted in One Night Stands, Podcast Episodes | Tagged 80s horror, Casablanca, Dennis Christopher, dracula, Fade to Black, horror documentary, Jonathan Demme, Kiss of Death, Little Miss Horror Nerd, Mickey Rourke, Pet Semetary, slasher, Stephen King, The Clairvoyant | Leave a comment

The Friday Four: Four Modern Horror Films

Posted on May 5, 2017 at 8:30 pm by reszombie7@gmail.com

Welcome to the inaugural edition of The Friday Four. In this column, each Friday, I will be taking a look at four items – in case you hadn’t already figured that out. It may be four things that are related in some way or another (like today’s column), it may be a “Best of…” list or a “Worst of…” list; it could just be four random observations, mostly about horror. Who knows? My brain parts don’t all touch each other and that creates a volatile atmosphere up there. I can’t promise this column will last forever, but it will last until I have to get a real job – so there’s that. Like everything else in life, enjoy it while you can!

For the inaugural edition of the column, I have decided to speak to an area where I am criticized the most and, honestly, my knowledge is the weakest – modern horror. I know I take a lot of shit from Jessica, Hammer and a host of others on the podcast for not watching enough modern horror – and it is deserved. It’s pretty embarrassing to be the “the horror guy” that everyone knows and then have no answer when they come running to you for your opinion on a recent horror movie release.

It’s not that I am adverse to modern day horror. I love the options open today for horror moviemakers. Despite what you may think, I am not “Stuck in the 80s!” But I understand why you would think that. The premise of the podcast, focusing on horror movie franchises, just takes us back there a lot. The 80s were kind of the golden era of franchise horror, after all.

For the purposes of this column, however, I drug myself to the current and out of the franchises and took a look at four horror movies that were released within the last five years. As an aside, I suppose I should thank Little Miss Horror Nerd for the fact that I own all of these movies on DVD/Blu-Ray because of her attempt to force feed me modern horror every birthday and Christmas for the last three years.

Just a warning — MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!

Without further adieu, I give to you my ratings/reviews for…

FOUR MODERN HORROR MOVIES

1. The Babadook

Released: May 22, 2014

Directed by: Jennifer Kent

Starring: Essie Davis, Noah Wiseman

Babadook was the first movie that I watched because it was the one I had heard the most about and was asked about a lot. I wanted to see what all the kerfuffle (that is a word – look it up) was all about.

Right from the get go, it was obvious that this was a telling of the typical Boogeyman type story, with somewhat of a twist. There was a lot of good here. I love the suspense, the dreariness of the house (including how it got darker as the movie went along) and the overall theme of fighting off an actual Boogeyman while also fighting a proverbial one with the death of the husband/dad looming over the entire situation. That’s all checkmarks on the good side of the ledger.

Here’s what I didn’t like – everything else. The kid was so annoying that I was openly rooting for him to die. The mom was likable for awhile, then turned into the shit spewing demon host of The Babadook and I stopped caring. The kid in this movie, by the way, is why I am not a parent. I know if I had a kid, this would be the final result.

While I enjoyed the darkness overall of the house, that is a common horror trope. One horror trope that was overused and I didn’t like in this film was to lower the sound on dialogue so that every ambient noise in the movie was magnified ten times and thus “creepy.” It’s a cheap trick, but it’s one I don’t like because by the time you adjust your volume so you can hear the dialogue, something loud happens that makes your pee yourself a little – not because it was scary but because the volume of your TV is so fucking loud just so you can hear two characters you don’t care about whisper to one another.

One thing I blast on the podcast that is also applicable here is subplots that go nowhere. Why introduce a love interest for Amelia (her dude at work) if nothing is going to come of it. He couldn’t have been body count for the Dooker? Apparently, real life worries like getting in an auto accident don’t matter when you’re chasing the Dook. Yes, I know that these were all things to show that Amelia’s life is falling apart because of the Babadook, but they are still there, unresolved.

I hated the ending. If the movie had ended with the “exorcism” of the Babadook, I would have given this movie a full point more than I am. That scene worked. You know what doesn’t work? Defeating the scary boogyeman who has ruined your life with MomFace. Everyone knows MomFace. No matter how small the mom, they all have the ability to make you shit yourself with just that one look that only moms can get. That’s all fine and dandy for when you are trying to make your kids go to bed, but not so much to defeat a creature that has been harassing and haunting you for an entire film – I need a little something more than that.

The fact that the Babadook now lives in the basement and is being held captive by Amelia and her son (who will grow up to be a serial killer – no one doubts this)? That’s just trying to be clever for clever’s sake.

I do think that Jennifer Kent is a talented director, however. I would like to see more from her. The Babadook is not a bad movie, it’s just not as good as other people have told me it is. If you haven’t seen it, I’d recommend just watching Monster, the seven minute short film by Jennifer Kent that this was based on. It’s the same story, just reduced to a tight run time.

Rating: 4/10

2. You’re Next

Released: August 23, 2013

Directed by: Adam Wingard

Starring: Sharni Vinson, Nicholas Tucci, Wendy Glenn

Unlike the others on this list, You’re Next kind of came and went. I didn’t hear a lot about it. I wasn’t asked about it a lot. It was just kind of there. I guess that’s typical for most horror movies of the home invasion variety. I had a renewed interest in this film after looking at several lists of the “Top Ten Final Girls” variety (I have weird nights sometimes) and seeing this girl, Erin from You’re Next on several of the lists.

Home invasion is a tough subgenre to take up because you have to explain so much. Sometimes no explanation is better (see Psycho), but with home invasion, it’s a different beast to slay. You’re Next falls back on the motive for 95% of home invasion movies – money. There’s nothing wrong with that. It works.

You know what doesn’t work? The painting of the You’re Next logo on the walls of the homes the deaths take place in. They are out of place and awkward. They only serve to justify the title of the movie.

While we’re on things that didn’t work, there are a few elements of the movie I’s not buying. While the writer (Simon Barrett) does a fantastic job of answering the smallest of questions with throwaway lines, one of those lines bother me. Near the end of the movie, it’s mentioned that the neighbors were killed to make it seem like a random killing spree. I appreciate the effort to explain why they killed two extra people (when the real reason is they wanted that action packed first scene and to add to the body count), but wouldn’t forensic science kill any notion that these people were killed on the same night?

I would have also liked to have known a little more about the killer for hire other than they served together. Is this something they do often? Are they disgruntled? I understand money is motivation, but it takes a certain kind to just kill random people no matter the amount of money involved.

That being said, I overall liked the movie. Though I did manage to figure out the twist in the middle of the movie (I think it was Felix’s weasel face – totally gave him away), the second one I did not entirely (though I did think there was some shade on Crispian). I enjoyed Erin and her resourcefulness. I am pretty sure a blender can’t do what she made it do, but I still liked it!

This was a well written movie, allowing the audience just enough information to keep them interested at just the right times while still keeping them guessing. It’s hard for me to fathom that this director/writer combo was the same one that bought us the abortion of a horror film, The Blair Witch – possibly the worst movie I have ever seen in the cinema.

Rating: 6/10

3. The Witch

Released: February 19, 2016

Directed by: Robert Eggers

Starring: Anya Taylor-Joy, Ralph Ineson, Katie Dickie

Of any horror film made in the last ten years, this is the one people asked me about the most. Now I understand why. Not only am I most people’s go to “horror guy,” but I am also their go to “Colonial American History (especially in relations to witch trials) guy.” It’s a weird moniker to have but we all have to carve our place in society.

This film also seems to have join the likes of Jaws and The Crow in the “are they horror?” conversation. I would say this film is a psychological horror film with elements of supernatural terror and even home invasion. However, if you wanted to argue that it’s a period drama set in colonial New England, I wouldn’t fight you on it too much.

This movie is right in my wheelhouse as I have read literally thousands of documents in Old English, most dealing with the Salem Witch Trials. I understand the language. They got it right. They got the casting right. These guys look like plain, rough New England Puritans. The acting is superb – especially with children trying to deal with tough words that are not their usual speech pattern. The director got excellent performances from a couple of character actors and inexperienced children.

I love the blandness of the color. Not only does it contrast beautifully with the red of the blood during the movie, but it fits the Puritan way of life perfectly.

Having studied witchcraft trials and allegations for decades of my life, I can tell you that sister turning on sister in accusations of witchcraft is something that was not unheard of. In fact, I imagine several households of the time went through just what this family did.

I love the “signing of the book,” as that was a huge deal to prove someone was a witch. In fact, the entirety of the Salem Witch Trials could have been avoided if the one person who admitted to “signing the book” hadn’t mentioned she saw other names in the book. That’s not to mention using familiars (black goat) that turn into humans to tempt the pious – this movie has it all.

For me, a person who loves horror and a person who loves this time period in this place (New England), this is almost a perfect movie. I loved the ending of Thomasin, broken after killing her mother and her entire family being destroyed, signing the book and joining the black cult.

This movie is just missing that one moment (perhaps a full on view of the witch, herself) that would put it over the top. I don’t know for sure what that moment is, but I know it would contrast with the dullness and browns of the setting. It would make it perfect.

As it stands now, for a guy like me, this is near perfect.

Coming into this exercise, I expected a couple of movies would be decent – I didn’t realize one would be out and out great!

Rating: 9/10

4. It Follows

Released: March 13, 2015

Directed By: David Robert Mitchell

Starring: Maika Monroe, Keir Gilchrist, Daniel Zovatto

It follows.

It sure does. For like 100 minutes. And It’s not even Pennywise the Clown or his lesser known kin, Dandelo.

I can best describe this movie as a poor man’s Emma Stone stars in a creepy episode of The Gilmore Girls. With the stilted delivery of dialogue, the artistic framing, the fact that nothing happens, the lensflare and dull color scheme all make this film “artsy.” I believe this is why this film has been so critically acclaimed — because no one wants to be the person that doesn’t understand the “artsy” film.

I don’t care if I don’t understand, I just know that this film sucked. It was boring — even when things happened, it was still boring. By the end of the film, I was rooting for the main character, Jay, to die. She was the most generic main character of a film possibly that I have ever seen. She also fucked three random dudes on a boat (presumably) to pass the curse onto them without telling them what was going to happen to them — which the guy who passed to curse onto her at least had the decency to do.

Let’s talk about the supporting characters. They were there. Outside of the two guys, who were only there for Jay to fuck, they did nothing.

The artsy part of the film is just a cover up for the filmmakers and defenders of the film to ignore any and all reality. In interviews, creators of the film have said there is no particular time that this film takes place. Nope, just a time that we don’t have to worry about writing around cell phones, but somehow have an e-reader inside a clamshell. I’m a bartender and therefore fluent in BS — let me translate for you. “We didn’t give a time period for the film so that we didn’t have to follow any rules in regards to technology and could write each scene as it fit our vision instead of doing something that might be hard.”

Questions: Why did Hugh/Jeff chloroform Jay and tie her to a chair to tell her what was going to happen to her? For effect? So…these are college kids (maybe a couple are in high school) who still live with their parents, but their parents are nowhere to be seen? Showing just one boob is super creepy, I guess? If she has fucked four dudes and hasn’t gotten rid of the curse, why does Jay keep fucking people? I think this is all a cover up for her to be a slut without the slut shaming.

Why mention that “It” can take the form of your loved ones, if it only walks towards you and doesn’t interact with you? Who cares? In the one scene that seemingly makes a difference (Greg’s death scene), he was attacked so fast, it wouldn’t have mattered who was knocking on his bedroom door.

This film has been praised for it’s suspense. I would just like to take this time and forum to educate everyone that playing creepy music while nothing happens which leads to nothing else happening doesn’t create suspense. I gave The Babadook some shit for other reasons, but that movie knew how to create suspense.

There are two more reasons the viewer should be insulted. The opening scene is just there to be the “action opening sequence” to catch the audiences attention. Any connection to the rest of the film is made up completely by the audience. Secondly, there was no climax. Again, the artsy nature of the film seemingly insulates this aspect of the film from criticism, but as mentioned before, I don’t give a crap about that.

If you want to watch a film with boring generic characters where nothing happens (even when stuff happens) or is resolved set in a mysterious time period but definitely in Detroit or you just enjoy a lot of walking — then this is the film for you!

My Rating: 2.5/10

That’s my take on four “modern” horror films — at least films released within the last five years. Agree? Disagree? Let’s hear your take in the comments below!

Posted in Blog Posts, The Friday Four | Tagged Babadook, boogeyman, English horror, Friday Four, home invasion, It follows, paranormal, suspense horror, The Witch, You'r Next | 5 Comments