Welcome to the inaugural edition of The Friday Four. In this column, each Friday, I will be taking a look at four items – in case you hadn’t already figured that out. It may be four things that are related in some way or another (like today’s column), it may be a “Best of…” list or a “Worst of…” list; it could just be four random observations, mostly about horror. Who knows? My brain parts don’t all touch each other and that creates a volatile atmosphere up there. I can’t promise this column will last forever, but it will last until I have to get a real job – so there’s that. Like everything else in life, enjoy it while you can!
For the inaugural edition of the column, I have decided to speak to an area where I am criticized the most and, honestly, my knowledge is the weakest – modern horror. I know I take a lot of shit from Jessica, Hammer and a host of others on the podcast for not watching enough modern horror – and it is deserved. It’s pretty embarrassing to be the “the horror guy” that everyone knows and then have no answer when they come running to you for your opinion on a recent horror movie release.
It’s not that I am adverse to modern day horror. I love the options open today for horror moviemakers. Despite what you may think, I am not “Stuck in the 80s!” But I understand why you would think that. The premise of the podcast, focusing on horror movie franchises, just takes us back there a lot. The 80s were kind of the golden era of franchise horror, after all.
For the purposes of this column, however, I drug myself to the current and out of the franchises and took a look at four horror movies that were released within the last five years. As an aside, I suppose I should thank Little Miss Horror Nerd for the fact that I own all of these movies on DVD/Blu-Ray because of her attempt to force feed me modern horror every birthday and Christmas for the last three years.
Just a warning — MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!
Without further adieu, I give to you my ratings/reviews for…
FOUR MODERN HORROR MOVIES
1. The Babadook
Released: May 22, 2014
Directed by: Jennifer Kent
Starring: Essie Davis, Noah Wiseman
Babadook was the first movie that I watched because it was the one I had heard the most about and was asked about a lot. I wanted to see what all the kerfuffle (that is a word – look it up) was all about.
Right from the get go, it was obvious that this was a telling of the typical Boogeyman type story, with somewhat of a twist. There was a lot of good here. I love the suspense, the dreariness of the house (including how it got darker as the movie went along) and the overall theme of fighting off an actual Boogeyman while also fighting a proverbial one with the death of the husband/dad looming over the entire situation. That’s all checkmarks on the good side of the ledger.
Here’s what I didn’t like – everything else. The kid was so annoying that I was openly rooting for him to die. The mom was likable for awhile, then turned into the shit spewing demon host of The Babadook and I stopped caring. The kid in this movie, by the way, is why I am not a parent. I know if I had a kid, this would be the final result.
While I enjoyed the darkness overall of the house, that is a common horror trope. One horror trope that was overused and I didn’t like in this film was to lower the sound on dialogue so that every ambient noise in the movie was magnified ten times and thus “creepy.” It’s a cheap trick, but it’s one I don’t like because by the time you adjust your volume so you can hear the dialogue, something loud happens that makes your pee yourself a little – not because it was scary but because the volume of your TV is so fucking loud just so you can hear two characters you don’t care about whisper to one another.
One thing I blast on the podcast that is also applicable here is subplots that go nowhere. Why introduce a love interest for Amelia (her dude at work) if nothing is going to come of it. He couldn’t have been body count for the Dooker? Apparently, real life worries like getting in an auto accident don’t matter when you’re chasing the Dook. Yes, I know that these were all things to show that Amelia’s life is falling apart because of the Babadook, but they are still there, unresolved.
I hated the ending. If the movie had ended with the “exorcism” of the Babadook, I would have given this movie a full point more than I am. That scene worked. You know what doesn’t work? Defeating the scary boogyeman who has ruined your life with MomFace. Everyone knows MomFace. No matter how small the mom, they all have the ability to make you shit yourself with just that one look that only moms can get. That’s all fine and dandy for when you are trying to make your kids go to bed, but not so much to defeat a creature that has been harassing and haunting you for an entire film – I need a little something more than that.
The fact that the Babadook now lives in the basement and is being held captive by Amelia and her son (who will grow up to be a serial killer – no one doubts this)? That’s just trying to be clever for clever’s sake.
I do think that Jennifer Kent is a talented director, however. I would like to see more from her. The Babadook is not a bad movie, it’s just not as good as other people have told me it is. If you haven’t seen it, I’d recommend just watching Monster, the seven minute short film by Jennifer Kent that this was based on. It’s the same story, just reduced to a tight run time.
Rating: 4/10
2. You’re Next
Released: August 23, 2013
Directed by: Adam Wingard
Starring: Sharni Vinson, Nicholas Tucci, Wendy Glenn
Unlike the others on this list, You’re Next kind of came and went. I didn’t hear a lot about it. I wasn’t asked about it a lot. It was just kind of there. I guess that’s typical for most horror movies of the home invasion variety. I had a renewed interest in this film after looking at several lists of the “Top Ten Final Girls” variety (I have weird nights sometimes) and seeing this girl, Erin from You’re Next on several of the lists.
Home invasion is a tough subgenre to take up because you have to explain so much. Sometimes no explanation is better (see Psycho), but with home invasion, it’s a different beast to slay. You’re Next falls back on the motive for 95% of home invasion movies – money. There’s nothing wrong with that. It works.
You know what doesn’t work? The painting of the You’re Next logo on the walls of the homes the deaths take place in. They are out of place and awkward. They only serve to justify the title of the movie.
While we’re on things that didn’t work, there are a few elements of the movie I’s not buying. While the writer (Simon Barrett) does a fantastic job of answering the smallest of questions with throwaway lines, one of those lines bother me. Near the end of the movie, it’s mentioned that the neighbors were killed to make it seem like a random killing spree. I appreciate the effort to explain why they killed two extra people (when the real reason is they wanted that action packed first scene and to add to the body count), but wouldn’t forensic science kill any notion that these people were killed on the same night?
I would have also liked to have known a little more about the killer for hire other than they served together. Is this something they do often? Are they disgruntled? I understand money is motivation, but it takes a certain kind to just kill random people no matter the amount of money involved.
That being said, I overall liked the movie. Though I did manage to figure out the twist in the middle of the movie (I think it was Felix’s weasel face – totally gave him away), the second one I did not entirely (though I did think there was some shade on Crispian). I enjoyed Erin and her resourcefulness. I am pretty sure a blender can’t do what she made it do, but I still liked it!
This was a well written movie, allowing the audience just enough information to keep them interested at just the right times while still keeping them guessing. It’s hard for me to fathom that this director/writer combo was the same one that bought us the abortion of a horror film, The Blair Witch – possibly the worst movie I have ever seen in the cinema.
Rating: 6/10
3. The Witch
Released: February 19, 2016
Directed by: Robert Eggers
Starring: Anya Taylor-Joy, Ralph Ineson, Katie Dickie
Of any horror film made in the last ten years, this is the one people asked me about the most. Now I understand why. Not only am I most people’s go to “horror guy,” but I am also their go to “Colonial American History (especially in relations to witch trials) guy.” It’s a weird moniker to have but we all have to carve our place in society.
This film also seems to have join the likes of Jaws and The Crow in the “are they horror?” conversation. I would say this film is a psychological horror film with elements of supernatural terror and even home invasion. However, if you wanted to argue that it’s a period drama set in colonial New England, I wouldn’t fight you on it too much.
This movie is right in my wheelhouse as I have read literally thousands of documents in Old English, most dealing with the Salem Witch Trials. I understand the language. They got it right. They got the casting right. These guys look like plain, rough New England Puritans. The acting is superb – especially with children trying to deal with tough words that are not their usual speech pattern. The director got excellent performances from a couple of character actors and inexperienced children.
I love the blandness of the color. Not only does it contrast beautifully with the red of the blood during the movie, but it fits the Puritan way of life perfectly.
Having studied witchcraft trials and allegations for decades of my life, I can tell you that sister turning on sister in accusations of witchcraft is something that was not unheard of. In fact, I imagine several households of the time went through just what this family did.
I love the “signing of the book,” as that was a huge deal to prove someone was a witch. In fact, the entirety of the Salem Witch Trials could have been avoided if the one person who admitted to “signing the book” hadn’t mentioned she saw other names in the book. That’s not to mention using familiars (black goat) that turn into humans to tempt the pious – this movie has it all.
For me, a person who loves horror and a person who loves this time period in this place (New England), this is almost a perfect movie. I loved the ending of Thomasin, broken after killing her mother and her entire family being destroyed, signing the book and joining the black cult.
This movie is just missing that one moment (perhaps a full on view of the witch, herself) that would put it over the top. I don’t know for sure what that moment is, but I know it would contrast with the dullness and browns of the setting. It would make it perfect.
As it stands now, for a guy like me, this is near perfect.
Coming into this exercise, I expected a couple of movies would be decent – I didn’t realize one would be out and out great!
Rating: 9/10
4. It Follows
Released: March 13, 2015
Directed By: David Robert Mitchell
Starring: Maika Monroe, Keir Gilchrist, Daniel Zovatto
It follows.
It sure does. For like 100 minutes. And It’s not even Pennywise the Clown or his lesser known kin, Dandelo.
I can best describe this movie as a poor man’s Emma Stone stars in a creepy episode of The Gilmore Girls. With the stilted delivery of dialogue, the artistic framing, the fact that nothing happens, the lensflare and dull color scheme all make this film “artsy.” I believe this is why this film has been so critically acclaimed — because no one wants to be the person that doesn’t understand the “artsy” film.
I don’t care if I don’t understand, I just know that this film sucked. It was boring — even when things happened, it was still boring. By the end of the film, I was rooting for the main character, Jay, to die. She was the most generic main character of a film possibly that I have ever seen. She also fucked three random dudes on a boat (presumably) to pass the curse onto them without telling them what was going to happen to them — which the guy who passed to curse onto her at least had the decency to do.
Let’s talk about the supporting characters. They were there. Outside of the two guys, who were only there for Jay to fuck, they did nothing.
The artsy part of the film is just a cover up for the filmmakers and defenders of the film to ignore any and all reality. In interviews, creators of the film have said there is no particular time that this film takes place. Nope, just a time that we don’t have to worry about writing around cell phones, but somehow have an e-reader inside a clamshell. I’m a bartender and therefore fluent in BS — let me translate for you. “We didn’t give a time period for the film so that we didn’t have to follow any rules in regards to technology and could write each scene as it fit our vision instead of doing something that might be hard.”
Questions: Why did Hugh/Jeff chloroform Jay and tie her to a chair to tell her what was going to happen to her? For effect? So…these are college kids (maybe a couple are in high school) who still live with their parents, but their parents are nowhere to be seen? Showing just one boob is super creepy, I guess? If she has fucked four dudes and hasn’t gotten rid of the curse, why does Jay keep fucking people? I think this is all a cover up for her to be a slut without the slut shaming.
Why mention that “It” can take the form of your loved ones, if it only walks towards you and doesn’t interact with you? Who cares? In the one scene that seemingly makes a difference (Greg’s death scene), he was attacked so fast, it wouldn’t have mattered who was knocking on his bedroom door.
This film has been praised for it’s suspense. I would just like to take this time and forum to educate everyone that playing creepy music while nothing happens which leads to nothing else happening doesn’t create suspense. I gave The Babadook some shit for other reasons, but that movie knew how to create suspense.
There are two more reasons the viewer should be insulted. The opening scene is just there to be the “action opening sequence” to catch the audiences attention. Any connection to the rest of the film is made up completely by the audience. Secondly, there was no climax. Again, the artsy nature of the film seemingly insulates this aspect of the film from criticism, but as mentioned before, I don’t give a crap about that.
If you want to watch a film with boring generic characters where nothing happens (even when stuff happens) or is resolved set in a mysterious time period but definitely in Detroit or you just enjoy a lot of walking — then this is the film for you!
My Rating: 2.5/10
That’s my take on four “modern” horror films — at least films released within the last five years. Agree? Disagree? Let’s hear your take in the comments below!
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