Hey kids! Last week, it was douche canoes this week it is bathroom kills! These are some of my favorite bathroom kills, but not a definitive list as great things happen in bathroom in horror movies. Stay tuned once you get past #1 for a special surprise just for attentive readers.
My number ten brings us to Camp Crystal Lake in Part 6: Jason Lives. Easily my favorite Friday sequel. Nikki and Cort are horny teenagers, of course. They set off in Nikki’s stepfather’s trailer to find a place to park and fuck. Unfortunately, it seems Jason has shown up and is determined to put an end to their fun. And he definitely does! As soon as they are on the road, Jason pulls Nikki into the bathroom and puts her face through the mirror. Oddly bloodless, it reminded me of Freddy pressing through the ceiling over Nancy’s bed in A Nightmare On Elm Street.
9. Halloween 2007 – Big Joe Grizzley
We get a much more brutal Michael Myers in Rob Zombie’s Halloween films. In this remake, we are taken through Michael’s childhood and institutionalization. Once Michael escapes he sets out to find his sister and murders a few randoms along the way. One of those was the dude on the toilet taking a shit. Michael busted in there and gave him a knife to the stomach! Moral of the story: public restrooms are murder!
8. Scream 2 – Phil
Phil and his girlfriend, Maureen, have gone to the premier of the film Stab which is based on the murders from the original Scream. Phil decides to take a quick trip to the boys room as the film starts (uh oh) . He enters the bathroom and goes to one of the stalls. Before he has a chance to relieve himself he hears noises in the next stall. Thinking a couple is in there having sex, he puts his ear to the wall. VERY BAD IDEA. There is no couple! Just Ghostface. He gets a knife to the ear/head. This scene went on for what felt like a few minutes. I was cringing the entire time he was being repeatedly stabbed. That looked painful!
7. The Perfect House – Daughter
This film is a horror anthology starring the lovely Felissa Rose. In the third tale, a family of five is invited to dinner by their neighbor. Unfortunately for them, they have no idea the neighbor is murderously pissed off that one of them threw away his junky ass weedcutter. He proceeds to torture and kill the entire family. It is the daughter (whom he thinks is a slut) that he tosses into the bathroom and handcuffs to the towel rack. He eventually stabs her repeatedly in the body, fills the tub up and tosses her in the water and adds some chemical that intensifys her suffering.
6. Friday the 13th – Marcie
We all know the story of poor little Marcie. Having just fucked her boyfriend she is in a state of post-coital bliss when she decides to take a trip to the restroom. She gets to the abandoned communal bathroom, does her business and is promptly axed in the face!!!!!! Looks like the bathrooms at Camp Crystal Lake are not safe either! Bahahahaha!
5. Bloody Bloody Bible Camp – Male camper
In this film we have a killer nun on the loose and a cameo of Ron Jeremy as Jesus Christ. Don’t ask me. I just consume these crazy films like they are crack cocaine and I am addicted. BBBC has one of the more sickening bathroom kills on this list. Especially if you have an aversion to poop — which I do! Unfortunately for this poor guy he is murdered while taking a shit right after having had sex! Stabbed in the stomach and gutted he dies covered in his own shit. What a fucking bummer of a death and humiliating as well.
4. Psycho 1960 – Marion Crane
WHAT? My number 4 bathroom kill is Janet Lee in Psycho? I know you want to kick my ass because it is not number 1 right? As excellent a film as Psycho is and as awesome as the twist ending is, the shower scene just didn’t scare me. I also was not put off showers for the rest of my life after seeing it. But alas, I’m in the minority and I think I’ll probably end up getting death threats for this ranking.
3. Gutterballs – Transvestite
If you have not seen Gutterballs you are missing out! This is an amazing slasher set in a bowling alley in the 80s. Every kill in this movie will blow your socks off! This bathroom kill is of a transvestite in a bathroom stall. The killer who wears a bowling bag on his head to hide his identity corners this poor lass on the bathroom floor against the toilet. He then proceeds to jam the top end of a bowling pin down her throat. If that is not enough brutality for you, the killer also cuts through her pantyhose and slices her penis down the middle. Unedited folks! Guys if you are squeamish about violence against the penis cover your eyes!
2. My Bloody Valentine 1981 – Sylvia
A classic slasher to be sure, My Bloody Valentine is the story of a murderer with a past in a mining town. This murder is not only an awesome bathroom related kill but one of the most creative murders I have ever seen in a horror movie. Young Sylvia and her boyfriend John are making out in the miner’s shower area. John steps away for a moment and while he is gone Sylvia is grabbed by the killer. She is picked up by her head and begins screaming and is jammed onto the shower spigot. The killer’s final touch is to turn the water on which streams from her mouth. This is how John finds her!
1. Gutterballs – 69
This is at the moment my most favorite kill in any horror movie I have ever seen and my number one bathroom kill. A couple is doing 69 on what I can only imagine is a filthy bowling alley bathroom floor. While they are fully engaged in oral sex with each other the bowling bag killer shows up on the scene. Oh No! Next thing we know he has forced the woman’s head as far down on her partner’s dick as it will go at which point she chokes to death. He then moves on to the fellow who hasn’t a chance of getting away since his penis is lodged in his dead lover’s throat. Bowling Bag Killer pushes the dead woman’s ass down on this guy’s face until he suffocates and slaps that dead lady ass on the way out.
For those who stuck around, an added bonus — my review of Death Spa!
Death Spa came to me by way of recommendation from a friend. I am actually shocked I had never seen it. I thought I rented every horror movie in that damn video store!
The storyline revolves around Michael, whose health club has become plagued with a series of near fatal accidents; his girlfriend is almost killed with chlorine vapor, a diving board breaks off while in use, and the shower temperature raises on its own burning naked ladies. Michael begins to suspect his late wife’s brother who works the club’s computer control room of rigging these accidents. The accidents segue to murder and all hell breaks loose. Michael desperately tries to find out who is killing his customers before it is too late.
Death Spa is a mash up of murder, cheesy humor, 80s everything and boobs galore. Guys if you like boobies, this is the movie for you! There were so many, I lost count. More leg warmers and high cut (God I hate high cut) body suits than I have ever seen in one place! There are also plenty of cool kills, including death by reanimated frozen fish, exploding head and death by locker.
As far as cheesy humor an actual line is “besides I’m Beta and you’re VHS.” Does anyone under 35 actually know what the hell Beta is (ED Note: They don’t know what VHS is)? Whether you were an 80s kid or not, if you wanna take a bloody trip back to the 80s hop on the Death Spa express. You won’t be sorry.
I rented this film on Amazon for $2.99 – rental time one month.