Hey Kids, Feeling Horny? Feeling Hot? Feeling Randy? Put the condoms and KY away because after you read my “killing sexy” horror lists you won’t be interested in the old slap and tickle for awhile.
TOP FIVE KILLS INVOLVING GENITALIA
5. I Spit On Your Grave (2010) – Death by castration. Jennifer has been raped and left for dead by several local men including the sheriff in the back woods of who knows where (this is why I don’t leave the city). However, she has decided to go back for revenge and boy does she get it. In the most gruesome death in the film, Jennifer ties up one of her attackers and pulls many of his teeth out with pliers. She then castrates him, stuffs his dick in his mouth and leaves him to bleed to death. All shown on camera. I’d say she has some anger management issues but he did rape and sodomize her. This scene effectively grosses me out but it may have had more impact if less was shown. Perhaps this scene could be played to rapists to deter them from raping women in the future?
4. Teeth – Death by toothed vagina. Dawn has a problem and it is a big one! Her vagina has teeth and they are really sharp. The boys who want to fuck Dawn have a problem too. If they are fucking her and piss her off- her vagina bites their dick off mid fuck. Such was the case with possible love interest Toby. When Toby tried to get busy with Dawn and she said no he ignored her and jammed it in anyway. Unfortunately, Toby won’t be doing anymore jamming since Dawn’s pussy bit off his dick and he bled to death. Several suitors had this most unfortunate experience as well when they made Dawn angry while inside of her. The moral of the story don’t piss off your lady while banging her or it may be the last time you bang anyone.
3. Sleepaway Camp – Death by curling iron. This is probably one of the most well known deaths in a horror movie that resulted from an attack on the victim’s vagina. Judy was a mean girl. She spent most of her time bullying the main character, Angela Baker. She even went so far as to try to steal Angela’s friend and only suitor, Paul. This is bad news for bitchy big-boobed Judy because as it turns out Angela is the killer! (us flat chested girls hate those big titted bitches anyway) Next thing Judy knows she has a pillow shoved over her face and a hot curling iron up her twat. While this scene isn’t particularly scary — ok maybe a little creepy — it is creative. I’m not sure how one would come away from this attack in a body bag. Disfiguring burns, destroyed vagina (no sex for Judy!) sure, but death? Maybe she suffocated under that pillow.
2. I Spit On Your Grave 1974 – Death by castration. This is the original film where Jennifer is raped by a bunch of backwoods scumbags. The difference is this Jennifer prefers to catch her flies with honey. After being repeatedly raped, sodomized, and beaten by a pack of hooligans, Jennifer wants her revenge. After healing herself physically and achieving a terrifying level of calm, she hunts down her attackers and kills them one by one. The most disturbing is the man she is able to lure to her house even though he knows she knows who he is. Could this guy be more gullible?! She proceeds to seduce him in the bathtub by giving him a hand job. But then she flips the script and castrates him before he or the audience knows what has happened. Jennifer then leaves the bathroom locking him in and leaving him to bleed to death. All we are shown is blood and all we hear are his screams but combined with her calm it is a chilling scene and disturbed the hell out of me.
1. Seven – Lust – Death by razor dildo. The detectives are called to the scene of a murder at a brothel. A man claims he was forced at gunpoint to have sex with a prostitute wearing a strap on dildo. However, this is unlike any dildo you have ever seen. The phallus portion has been replaced by a large and sharp knife. The prostitute was basically fucked to death by being torn to pieces from the inside out. I was initially going to put this at number 5 because you did not see the act or even much of the dead girl. After thinking it over and watching the clip repeatedly I decided it was the worst of the five. Death by razor dildo is not only creative but truly the worst death I can think of for a female.
TOP FIVE DEATHS DURING SEX
5. Halloween 2007 – Paul’s death. In Rob Zombie’s adaptation of John Carpenter’s 1978 classic, Halloween, we get a little more sex and murder. As in the original, Laurie’s friend Annie has plans to meet up with her boyfriend. In the 1978 film, Annie never makes it to Paul’s house because she is murdered in her car by Michael Myers. In Halloween 2007, Annie does indeed meet up with Paul. They are on the couch getting hot and heavy with a topless Annie. Paul was just sticking it in when Michael shows up. He rips Paul off of Annie, stabs him and throws him to the ground. Still naked from the waist up, Annie runs to the kitchen and grabs a knife. Unfortunately, this doesn’t help her much because even when she is running she is slower than Michael. I thought it was a pretty dark and scary scene. To me, Rob Zombie is good at making a horror film very dark literally and figuratively which ups the scare factor. When Laurie finds them later, Annie is on the floor covered in blood and Paul is hanging over the staircase with a pumpkin jammed over his head. To my male readers in case you are wondering, Danielle Harris is actually topless in this film. I did my research and those are hers not a body double.
4. Bloody Bloody Bible Camp – Death doggystyle. What if you were getting ready to bang a girl doggy style, you stepped away for a moment, came back and stuck it in. Then after a few thrusts realized your girl is headless! Well that is just what happened to one of the randy campers in this crazy, wonderful, mess of a film. Someone had gone and chopped his partner’s head off while he was away (how rude!) and right after he realizes he is banging a corpse he becomes the killer’s next victim.This is one you need to see to believe.
3. Hatchet 2 – Death doggystyle. Here we have two more fools murdered during doggy style. This seems to be a very dangerous sexual position for horror movie characters to partake in. In Hatchet 2 we have a group of people who have set out to find Victor Crowley, the supernatural killer in a swampy woods area. Now we all know horror movie characters are stupid but this is ridiculous! A couple that are part of this incompetent “search party” stop to have sex doggy style. While they are fucking, Victor Crowley comes up behind them and decapitates the man. Oddly enough the man continues to thrust for a few more seconds. Once he stops the woman starts to complain and ask if he fell asleep. Really? I could see a woman falling asleep while having sex but a guy ? It’s at this point we get a double whammy because not only does Victor murder this harpy but his first blow to her with his machete is to the crotch! Frankly these two are so stupid they deserve what they got.
2. Friday the 13th part 2 – Speared during sex. This scene of two camp counselors being murdered by Jason while having sex missionary style is arguably one of the most famous death during sex scenes in mainstream horror. Friday the 13th part 2 is the first in the series where Jason does the killing and apparently he hates horny teenagers as much as his mother did. While this kill is quite creative it was not the first of its kind in a horror movie. It borrowed this kill shot for shot from Bay of Blood directed by Mario Bava and released in 1972.
1. Jason Goes To Hell – Chopped down the middle during sex. I’d like to start by saying I HATE this movie. It is in my opinion the worst of the entire franchise. Yes, Jason X is horrendous but at least Jason is actually IN that movie. This movie is a cross between Falling Down and a Friday the 13th film gone horribly wrong. However there is one single redeeming scene and that is the murder of Debra. Debra and her boyfriend are in a tent and about to do the nasty. Her boyfriend because he is obviously a filthy scum who doesn’t care about babies or AIDS discards the condom. Debra doesn’t seem to care because she hops right on top of him and starts gyrating. Jason doesn’t like people who spread disease and have unwanted kids so before you know it she has been chopped down the middle vertically. To add insult to injury it seemed to me she got hacked just as she was cumming. That will teach her not to be so slutty and irresponsible in the future! Wait! She is dead so I guess not. This was on my top ten deaths in the series which I named on the wrap up show for Friday the 13th but truthfully, it is my favorite death in the entire franchise including the reboot and Freddy vs. Jason.
I have one honorable mention. It didn’t fit because no one dies in the scene but it leads quickly to other deaths.
Cabin Fever – Fatal Fingering. A bunch of kids go off to a cabin in the woods. They do not come home. Same old story right? Not this time. Five college kids go off for weekend during spring break but there is no maniac on the loose. There is something in the water and people and animals in the area are infected with a flesh eating virus. The kids start to show symptoms and die one by one. In a particularly disturbing scene the first girl infected Karen is laying in bed half asleep. Paul, her friend who has been trying to get in her pants, climbs into bed with her. I guess he thinks he is being slick by coming at her while she is sleeping. Does this trick actually ever work? He is caressing her face and decides to move right over to fingering her. He quickly realizes something is wrong and when he pulls his hand away it is covered in bloody goop! Next time try asking, loverboy.
So there you have my sexy lists in all their disgusting and despicable glory. Hope you read this before lunch!